Dirt Bag Bingo

There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are controlling transmission. If we wish to make it louder, we will bring up the volume. If we wish to make it softer, we will tune it to a whisper. We will control the horizontal. We will control the vertical. We can roll the image, make it flutter. We can change the focus to a soft blur or sharpen it to crystal clarity. For the next hour, sit quietly and we will control all that you see and hear. We repeat: there is nothing wrong with your television set. You are about to participate in a great adventure. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind to…Dirt Bag Bingo.

Hello and welcome to Dirt Bag Bingo.  I’m your host Justin Sider.  Today, we have two new contestants and one returning champion.

JUSTIN:  John, tell us a little bit about yourself.

JOHN:  A month ago my Auntie Maxine was addressing the National Women’s March organizers in Detroit about the “rape culture” among Hollywood and media celebrities and she gave me a wonderful shout-out.  She said, “You know, there is a member of Congress who has been supportive of women for many, many, many years.  He is quiet, he is confident, he is powerful, but he has impeccable integrity on all of our issues.”

JUSTIN:  Bless your heart.  Al, you’ve been patient while John rambled on.  Why don’t you share with us a little something about yourself?

AL:  I used to work as a writer for a well-known comedy show on NBC.  Frankly, I’ve been in a little trouble lately but my female friends from that show wrote a lovely letter explaining what a delightful fellow I am; how I’m a family man.  Yadda, yadda, yadda.

I respect women. I don't respect men who don't. And the fact that my own actions have given people a good reason to doubt that makes me feel ashamed. Coming from the world of comedy, I've told and written a lot of jokes that I once thought were funny but later came to realize were just plain offensive.

I think my friends just made things worse for me by writing that letter.  The proof was in a tweet from @Laura_Moe who wrote, “Ted Bundy was well-liked by his co-workers too.”

JUSTIN:  Thanks for that deliciously banal Crisis Communications Script.  Now, let’s hear from our returning champion, Bubba.

BUBBA:  Politics gives a guy so much power they tend to behave badly around women and I hope I never get into that.  Hold my beer.

JUSTIN:  That’s all the time we have.  Join us again tomorrow for another stimulating round of Dirt Bag Bingo.